How to Properly Use a Timeout With Your Partner
Discussing sensitive topics with your partner can be very tricky. The wrong word, tone, or really anything, and the whole thing can blow up into a contentious altercation. While picking the right time to start the conversation can significantly improve the outcome of the conversation, even that can’t guarantee the discussion won’t devolve into a nasty situation. So how can we course correct when we find our disagreement going off the deep end? Timeouts can save the day!
Before we outline the key facets of a proper timeout, let’s first address the science behind “fight or flight.” The Cleveland Clinic has a very good article talking about the fight or flight response in people, so check that out to learn why we have it and how to recognize it. What’s important to know as we get into timeouts is that when we’re particularly upset and in fight or flight mode, we’re unlikely to be able to have a productive conversation. Our ability to choose our words carefully and ask meaningful questions so as to avoid misunderstandings is incredibly reduced. Our body is operating differently, blood flow now prioritizing movement in our limbs over critical thinking, for instance. So in other words, once one or both of us are in that space, we need to temporarily eject from this doomed conversation so that we can pick it back up later once we’re operating normally again.
The first step in calling a timeout is exactly that - calling it a “timeout.” Alternatively, you can refer to it as “cooling off,” “taking a break” (if using that one, be sure to clarify you mean a break in the conversation, not the relationship), “pausing,” etc. There are many options, so find what works best for you, but voice out loud your intentions to pause the conversation, because simply walking away from the other person in the middle of the dialogue can feel very rude, and make it seem like you’re giving up. This can in turn prompt the other person to insist on continuing right now and making the whole situation even uglier. The goal here is not to drop the topic forever - it’s just to stop for now because it has lost its chance of being productive in this moment.
The second step is designating or proposing a time to revisit the conversation. This step is crucial in emphasizing the temporary nature of the timeout. It suggests your intention to pick this back up later, lessening the concern that you’re simply giving up. One thing that’s helpful in proposing a later time is some degree of specificity. It can be 20 minutes, an hour, we can revisit this later tonight before or after dinner, tomorrow morning, perhaps even this upcoming Saturday or Sunday. Just don’t leave at “later” or “some other time,” as these suggestions are terribly vague and difficult to follow up on later.
The third step - following up at the proposed time - is just as crucial as the previous step. If you’re the one to call the timeout, it’s generally best to be the one who follows up at the predetermined time. In other words, don’t make the other person chase you, because that typically won’t feel good for them. Ideally, in executing this step, you’re able to resume the conversation from before, but now in a much calmer space in which both of you are better able to choose your words and be less reactive. However, there may be times when, at the proposed time, one or both of you aren’t as ready to discuss it as you thought you would be, or the timing simply doesn’t work for other reasons. In this case, the third step still applies. For example, you might say, “I know we agreed to pick this back up tonight, but I’m still feeling really furious, and I don’t think it’d go well just yet. Hopefully I’ll be feeling better tomorrow morning, and we can try again then?” You’re allowed to reschedule, that’s okay! Obviously, this could be abused if you postpone it without ever actually having the conversation, but as long as you do eventually resume the topic, you’re building trust in the timeout tool. The alternative of remaining silent when the time comes and hoping the other person forgot so that you don’t have to have the uncomfortable conversation after all just doesn’t work most of the time. They likely haven’t forgotten, and even if they have, they’ll eventually remember that you never followed through, which suggests the timeout was a diversionary tactic to simply get out of the disagreement altogether. Doing this will greatly diminish your chances of successfully calling a timeout next time.
One final note to add about timeouts, regarding who exactly is supposed to call the timeout. The answer is simply whoever recognizes it’s needed. It might be you recognizing you’re in fight or flight, and you tell your partner you need time to cool off so you can revisit this at a later specified time. Alternatively, you might be the calmer partner and see that it’s the other person who’s entered that unhelpful state. If this is the case, it’s probably best to avoid putting the other person in timeout (not a great feeling being put in timeout like a child), so consider instead saying that “we need to pause here” or even “I need a timeout right now.” No need to blame the upset person outright, because that likely won’t be received well in this tense moment.
While further good communication tools are helpful to navigate disagreements more productively, don’t overlook the properly employed timeout. It can really help prevent a bad situation from getting so much worse. It also helps to have both partners on the same page when it comes to using timeouts effectively, so consider doing some couples therapy with your partner to learn and practice these skills together!
